Holiday Phobia
I man went to his psychiatrist and said: "What's wrong with me - I'm afraid of Santa Claus!" The psychiatrist said: "You must be Claustrofobic."
A Duck Tale
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Give me a bottle of your most expensive champagne." The bartender says, "That'll cost you over $100". The duck says, "That's OK, just put it on my bill."
Cat Heaven
A cat lives out his nine lives and ends up in heaven. God appears and says to the cat," I hope you find your stay enjoyable. Anything you need, just ask." The cat replies, "All my life I have been running around, chasing mice, scrounging for food and sleeping in alleys. It would be great if I didn't have to work so hard." "Say no more," says God, and He gives the cat a fluffy cloud-bed to sleep on and all the food he could want. The next day, 6 mice are sent to heaven. God appears to the mice and says, " I hope you find your stay enjoyable. Anything you need, just ask." The mice reply, " All our lives we've been running around scrounging for food and running away from cats. It would be great if we didn't have to run any more." " Say no more," replies God, and He equips each mouse with roller skates. The next day God appears to the cat; " I hope you are finding everything to your satisfaction?" " Oh yes," says the cat. "I love my new soft bed, my fancy chew toys, the food here is terrific, AND those meals on wheels aren't bad either!!"
Mentally Unstable
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves. The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible." The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments." The third guy says, "What did I give you?"
Bachelor Cooking 101
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --'Take a clean dish and...'"
The Will to Live
A man goes to his lawyer and says, "I would like to write up a will, but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer replies, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looks somewhat upset, and exclaims, "Well I knew you'd take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
Pine Nut
A state trooper pulls over a disoriented driver on a lonely back road and says, "Hey buddy, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "That's your air freshener."
Terms of Endearment
A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
The Die hard Fan
Bob receives a free ticket to the superbowl from his boss. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it. Before he sits down though he asks the man next to him, " Excuse me, is someone sitting here?" The man says no. "Wow," says Bob. "Who would have a superbowl ticket and not use it?" "Well, actually," says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife but she died. This is the first superbowl we haven't been at together since we were married back in '69." "I'm sorry," says Bob, "But couldn't you bring a friend or relative?" "No," answers the man. "They're all at the funeral."
Going Out With a Bang
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Twisted Sister
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothes. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well Dad," said the boy, " I challenged Larry to a fight, and I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
Almost Doesn't Count
A driver is pulled over by a police car one afternoon, and when the officer comes up to the window he asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver responds "No officer I don't." The officer replies "You ran that stop sign back there." "Well I slowed down to see if anyone was coming" responded the driver. "Step out of the car sir" As soon as the driver stepped out the officer began to hit him with a knightstick. "Do you want me stop or just slow down?"
A Clipped Response
A father was having trouble getting his son to cut his long hair. When the boy asked to borrow the family car, the father said, "You may borrow the car when you cut your hair." Later that same evening the father passed by the son's room where he was stretched out on the bed reading the Bible. He said, "Dad, did you know it says here that Jesus never cut his hair?" His dad said, "Yes, son, and if you read further, you notice it says he walked everywhere he went."
Just Your Cup of Tea
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"
Four Bitter Pills
George came home from the doctor looking very worried. "What's the problem?" his wife asked. "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." "I know," said George, "but the doctor only gave me four pills!"
Cat Food?
A little girl wore a medical bracelet. When someone asked her what it was for, she replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person then asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl answered, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."
Very Wise Grasshopper
A grasshopper was bouncing down the sidewalk when he jumped into a bar, hopped across the floor, and leapt up on top of a bar-stool. The bartender leaned over toward him and said, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replied, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
Thank Your Lucky Shoes
A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn't looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
A Burning Desire
George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."
The Meter Was Running
A preacher and a cab driver die at the same time. At the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter hands the preacher a small set of white wings, then hands the cabby a large set of gold wings. "Why," the preacher asks, "does that cabby get gold wings?" Saint Peter says, "While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving, people were praying!"
$ubliminal College Letter
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Foot Fault
A hospital surgeon told his patient: "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" The patient said, "Give me the bad news first." The doctor said, "We are going to have to amputate your feet. The patient said, "That's terrible! What's the good news?" The doctor said, "The patient in the next room wants to buy your slippers."
Doggone Right!
When a crowded school bus pulled over to make way for a speeding fire truck, several children spotted a Dalmatian seated by the driver . "Why did the firemen have that dog with them?" one child asked. "To bark at the crowds and keep people out of the way," another answered. "He's there for good luck," insisted a third. The discussion ended when one lad explained, "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."
Trade Secrets
A man went to the police station asking to speak to the thief who had broken into his house the previous night. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant said. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife . . . I've been trying to do that for years!"
Long-Term Investment
A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replies, "I don't know, son. I'M STILL PAYING FOR IT!"
Vintage Beauty
A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?" One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"